Musical Pains

Why does art hurt me so bad?

This question recurs in my life every time I encounter something heartbreakingly beautiful. I've experienced this brand of pain at concerts, plays, minor displays of talent... pretty much any time I encounter someone else experiencing music. It's like my body needs to participate. I can't be a bystander. But guess what? I'm not that good at music! I can't match up to most people on any instrument. I have enough knowledge to recognize genius when I see it. And that's about it.

It hurts. I don't know why.

Today's obsession is Hallelujah, performed by Pentatonix. I'm sure you've heard the track. Hasn't everyone? It's been viewed more than four hundred million times. And that's just on Youtube. I play the song in the car when I'm driving and it plays in my head when I'm busy in the kitchen. I can't shut it off, can't get away... and I'm not sure if I want to. It tears me up inside and I can't tell if I love it or hate it.

What do you call this pain from beauty? I've heard of 'beauty in pain' before, but never this.

They say that in order to build confidence, one needs to build skill. So I ought to be practicing an instrument, right? Does singing count? I sing a lot around the house but my kids complain so I stop. I don't know why I don't feel satisfied with mediocre. It feels like I'm supposed to be more than that. Perhaps it's all a consequence of high school, where I was told, "you're so smart!" almost every day for three years. For someone 'so smart', and 'so talented', there must certainly be great things in store. Right?

Wrong.

In reality, the bar set too high discourages me from even making an effort. As a parent, I suppose the lesson is never to label the child, even with positive labels. Label behaviors instead. That action was kind. That behavior was brave. That choice was smart. This builds self-esteem in children without destroying their sense of satisfaction with life.

(Great, now I'm giving parenting advice? Oh the irony.)

For me, the daily practice is beginning with something - anything - small. I can't look at the entirety of the task or project lest I get overwhelmed and defeated before I've begun.