Did it fall?

It's an old riddle: if a tree falls in a forest, and no-one is there to hear, did it emit sound? Philosophy might say no. Physics might argue. I don't know.

This idea came to mind as I considered a personal need, one that has troubled me for as long as I've had a self-concept. What need?  The craving for external reflection on my existence. Or, to put it mildly, the need for compliments.

See, it's more than an ego asking to be stroked. It's a question of by what measuring stick I determine how I'm doing in life.

Consider that much of my day I spend in my home, devoted to housekeeping and childcare. Children do not provide helpful feedback, nor does the laundry. I rely on adult responses to measure my accomplishment. This places the burden of complimenting on my husband. Fair? Not really. But that's my reality.

Now, to go back to the riddle, I feel like the question forms a perfect parallel to my life: if I receive no feedback on my progress, have I even achieved? Without compliments to reflect on my achievements, do I even exist?

I'm fairly confident that I exist. And compliments are not always forthcoming. But the need remains. And that's where the work begins for me, because living with an unmet need is not a viable option. The question becomes, how can I fill my own need for external reflection? It's a difficult one to answer. In most arenas, I would use a positive affirmation to fill the void. I just don't think that self-reflection is an adequate replacement for external reflection, since by definition, they are not the same thing.

So how do we obtain compliments without going 'fishing'?

Here are my thoughts on the subject:

The first point is to be ready and willing to hear other feedback besides compliments, because you just don't know what will manifest. (This is a good idea in any case.)

The second: ask for what you need in simple English, without inflection. No sarcasm. No passive aggressive implications. Because while 'fishing for compliments' has a bad rap, that's not what you're doing. You're trying to garner external reflection. There's nothing wrong with asking, "How'd I do?".

The third: to overdo it with the 'fishing' thing, spread your net a bit. Don't expect to fill your need from one source. Apply steps one and two with friends and family. Socialize. It helps.

I believe that the tree falls in the forest with a roar of rent wood and a cloud's worth of snapped twigs, whether the sound reaches an ear or not. It has to make noise. It fell, didn't it? That fall generated energies that reverberate through the landscape. Likewise, my actions, my behaviors, all generate vibrations that impact my environment. This is the reality, irrespective of whether I receive external feedback or not.

But thinking about this reminds me how important it is to extend the courtesy to others, notice their actions, and reflect on what I see. There's no harm in complimenting. There's only positive energy to share.

Monday Musings

Being home with a sick child is a recipe for doing wholly nothing. This has been well documented. Yet here I sit, adding my two cents to generations' worth of knowledge. I wish I could do something productive, explore new music, write something worthwhile... but I must temper my expectations. Today shall be a "Moderate Monday". If I do no more than care for the children, I will have done plenty - or so I tell myself.

But my heart resists. Do, do, do! screams the inner voice, the same persona that quivers, critically aware of the minutes scrolling by. She helpfully presents me with flash impressions of the items on my theoretical "to-do" list: clean up, find a cleaning lady, do the front closet, make supper, fold more laundry, pay bills, ad infinitum.

And my daughter whines because she lacks the tech skills to navigate my phone and locate the videos her siblings watch. I refuse to sit there showing her video after video until we both snap, screen-crazed and foggy, hungry and neglected. There has to be a way to engage her in real creative play. Or even to "cuddle her", as she sometimes requests.

It's the tedium that gets me, I think. Mundanity has ever been a problematic subject. (I touched on this yesterday when considering the value of intelligence versus hard work. See "You're So Smart." - not.)

What will it take to impress on me the value of, and blessing that is, a normal day? Don't answer that. I need to look at today as an opportunity to flex my gratitude muscles.

Today I am grateful for:
1. Family.
2. Shelter.
3. Security.
4. Spirituality.
5. Theyeshiva.net.