Shopping Woes

Tight finances have been an unfortunate reality for most of my life. A frum lifestyle, complete with multiple children, will do that to even the best prepared.

So what's with my shopping patterns?

I'll describe them for you. I finish browsing my email and all the news sites and social media. Then I turn to my 'promotions' box. There I find a favored site broadcasting a fantastic sale, and I must go see how low the products actually are. Lo, I find something I like, and you can't beat the price. So I buy that. But while browsing, I discover a different product that I really want. I begin shopping around until I find the best possible price on Amazon. I buy that too. Amazon shows me some related products, and I'm hooked.

That's one scenario: classic advertising tactics working like a charm. There are others, but I won't waste your time. There are the non-compulsive, "necessary" purchases. There are Amazon products that I never get around to returning. You get the idea.

Most of my compulsive shopping takes place online, where simple clicks lead to purchases, many of them unnecessary. It's no wonder that my husband moans over the credit card bills. I mean, did I really need another tube of lipgloss? "But it was only $3.99!" Yeah, and such things add up shockingly fast.

I know I'm not the only one struggling with this. I also know that 'this' could be rightly termed an addiction. I could qualify for Shopaholics Anonymous. I'm not going to go. I have nothing against 12-step programs. In fact I've enjoyed and appreciated my experiences with Al-Anon. The reason I'm not going to go is because despite bulging credit cards and a stressed-out husband, I can't bring myself to take the matter seriously. I tell myself I'm not that bad. I don't go out and spend $800 in a single shopping spree. I'm not 'out-of-control'.

Am I?

Oh yes. I am.

That there is the issue. I'm supposed to be a mature adult. I'm responsible for the wellbeing of others. There are words we use to describe the qualities of a good homemaker. 'Responsible' is one of them. 'Effective' is another. How can I be effective when I lack discipline? And if I'm lacking in fiscal discipline, in what other areas am I falling short?

These are challenging questions. It could be that I don't take the shopping issue seriously because I don't want to confront these bigger questions. I don't want to look in the mirror. But at the same time, I pride myself on being one of those people who values health and continued growth. Something doesn't add up.

In how many ways do I delude myself? I say it's ok to buy one more tube of lipgloss. I say the small numbers don't count. I tell myself I'm in control of my shopping. I have enough discipline to be effective. And yes, I value growth.

But I recognize the issues. They torment me like shadows that refuse to fade. I know that for me it is a victory to close a tab, abandoning a shopping cart filled with bargains.

So I close out Coldwater Creek, and Cents of Style, and H&M... and I congratulate myself on a victory for today.