Shopping Woes

Tight finances have been an unfortunate reality for most of my life. A frum lifestyle, complete with multiple children, will do that to even the best prepared.

So what's with my shopping patterns?

I'll describe them for you. I finish browsing my email and all the news sites and social media. Then I turn to my 'promotions' box. There I find a favored site broadcasting a fantastic sale, and I must go see how low the products actually are. Lo, I find something I like, and you can't beat the price. So I buy that. But while browsing, I discover a different product that I really want. I begin shopping around until I find the best possible price on Amazon. I buy that too. Amazon shows me some related products, and I'm hooked.

That's one scenario: classic advertising tactics working like a charm. There are others, but I won't waste your time. There are the non-compulsive, "necessary" purchases. There are Amazon products that I never get around to returning. You get the idea.

Most of my compulsive shopping takes place online, where simple clicks lead to purchases, many of them unnecessary. It's no wonder that my husband moans over the credit card bills. I mean, did I really need another tube of lipgloss? "But it was only $3.99!" Yeah, and such things add up shockingly fast.

I know I'm not the only one struggling with this. I also know that 'this' could be rightly termed an addiction. I could qualify for Shopaholics Anonymous. I'm not going to go. I have nothing against 12-step programs. In fact I've enjoyed and appreciated my experiences with Al-Anon. The reason I'm not going to go is because despite bulging credit cards and a stressed-out husband, I can't bring myself to take the matter seriously. I tell myself I'm not that bad. I don't go out and spend $800 in a single shopping spree. I'm not 'out-of-control'.

Am I?

Oh yes. I am.

That there is the issue. I'm supposed to be a mature adult. I'm responsible for the wellbeing of others. There are words we use to describe the qualities of a good homemaker. 'Responsible' is one of them. 'Effective' is another. How can I be effective when I lack discipline? And if I'm lacking in fiscal discipline, in what other areas am I falling short?

These are challenging questions. It could be that I don't take the shopping issue seriously because I don't want to confront these bigger questions. I don't want to look in the mirror. But at the same time, I pride myself on being one of those people who values health and continued growth. Something doesn't add up.

In how many ways do I delude myself? I say it's ok to buy one more tube of lipgloss. I say the small numbers don't count. I tell myself I'm in control of my shopping. I have enough discipline to be effective. And yes, I value growth.

But I recognize the issues. They torment me like shadows that refuse to fade. I know that for me it is a victory to close a tab, abandoning a shopping cart filled with bargains.

So I close out Coldwater Creek, and Cents of Style, and H&M... and I congratulate myself on a victory for today.

Shiva Call

Last night, I went with some classmates to pay a Shiva call. It was not something I wanted to do. In fact, I came very close to not going at all. We had just come back from an extended weekend away. I was tired. I had showered, and my mother had warned me that it's insensitive to come to a Shiva house freshly showered and glowing with health. I had the perfect excuse not to go.

But then I remembered how my father had flown to pay a Shivah call to my aunt and uncle when they had lost a child. My parents were tight on money back then, and a flight was a big deal. I took from this how important it is to make that visit, even if it's uncomfortable.

So I went.

There were five of us, but there were many more people in the house. That helped. It was less intense. I didn't say a word. I sat and watched and listened and mourned, until it was time to go. Then I said the traditional phrase, "Hamakom yenachem etchem betoch shaar avlay Tziyon viYerushalayim". It was my first time saying those words. They tasted powerful. And I realized that those were the best words to say, because the grief at a tragic Shiva is so overwhelming. There is literally nothing to say or do besides pray that G-d bring comfort to the mourners.

In retrospect, I am grateful that I went. It was the right thing to do, and it was educational. I feel strengthened from the experience, more connected to G-d and to my community. But I hope and pray that I will never have to do such a thing again.

A TED talk by Eli Nash

Watch this. Just... trust me on this one, take the fifteen minutes, and watch this video. Right now.

This guy is my new hero.

In the video, Eli Nash speaks about his struggle with porn addiction and the associated shame attached to that illness. He speaks in candid terms about other peoples' reactions to his openness. It seems like his goal is to break the stigma around discussion of pornography as a dangerous, and damaging addiction.

I can't even imagine the amount of courage it took for Nash to bare himself like this. Giving a TED talk about fighting porn addiction is the ultimate in vulnerability. I'm reminded of Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly, in which she lays out her case for vulnerability as the stuff of life. According to Brown's research, vulnerability lays the groundwork for connection, which, as Johann Hari claims, is the opposite of, and antidote for addiction.

If Brown and Hari are correct, Nash really is conquering addiction, and we are watching him do it. In delivering that speech, Nash is not just breaking a stigma. He is actively forging new connections with people around the issue of porn addiction. He is moving towards health.

That is why Eli Nash is my new hero. I have boundless admiration for a person who conquers his shame in pursuit of health.

You go, Eli. You've got this!

Grieving

Every day I write
The words descending from the ether
Filling up the page
Spilling out into forever

Senses come alive
All the world is in my pen
I reach out and I find
The phrase that whispers like a friend

But now, today
The page before me's empty
'cuz far away
Somebody's story's ended

I reach for the words but nothing comes...

Maybe now is not the time for fancy turns of phrase
Maybe now is not the time to speak at all
For no words can ease the pain, the sorrow, the loss
No words, I have no words.

On Writing

I haven't even finished editing Spirit Song and already I'm thinking about the sequel. Don't tell. I know this is not smart. Just this morning I received a kind rejection letter from an editor. He suggested I re-format the story as a script, or for film. While I think those are interesting ideas, I haven't let go of the novel's lure. All I know is novels.

Well, that's not true. I've written scripts before. But these were scripts for private high school productions. They were very specialized, very specific in their structure, and very primitive. I don't know anything about the official formatting of a script. Nor do I consider myself a script-writer. Again, I know novels. I've spent my whole life reading novels. I'm attached to the structure, to the ups and downs, to the narrative.

I suppose I should take the advice I was given and file it along with all the other advice, on a special shelf for consideration. It's got to be a hefty shelf, given the sort of stuff I'm getting back. I keep telling myself that few of the greats ever sold right away. Even Rowling suffered multiple rejections before she became a giant. And I'm not aiming for giant. Maybe I should. I don't know.